Seven Remixes of Hotline Bling that are also Signs of the Apocalypse

By Jon Hersh

1. Haven – Hotline Bling (Haven Bootleg)

Sure, this atmospheric trap production sounds great and adds a depth to the song only hinted at in the original. But played backwards you can hear the unmistakable call of the demon Malthus inciting his 26 legions of demons into war in-between synth keyboard stabs.

2. ΛIRWAV – Hotline Bling

ΛIRWAV is a New York based producer who started making music as a tool for creating mash-ups to crack up his friends. He is also the second rider of the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, depicted here astride a red horse brandishing a great sword intended to impale all who oppose him.

3. BEAR//FACE – Hotline Bling

BEAR//FACE’s take on Hotline Bling is hazy and reverb-drenched. Speaking of drenched, are the streets drenched with the blood of the non-believers yet? Listen again to drown out the screams of the wicked as Lucifer himself appears in the glow of your computer’s monitor to drag you to the underworld.

4. Fuego – Cuando Suena El Bling (Hotline Bling Remix)

No one at Black On the Canvas can speak Spanish, but we can only assume Fuego’s version of Drake’s classic is a recitation of the opening of the Seven Seals as foretold in the book of Revelations.

5. Mila J – Hotline Bling (Remix)

Mila J is the stage name of musician Jamila Akiko Aba Chilombo, which according to rumors is an acronym that stands for
Mammon, prince of hell and personification of greed and material wealth
Incubi, a demon who entices women into sexual proclivity
Lucifer, Latin for “light bearer” and the name of the Devil prior to his fall
Asmodeus, the Devil prince of lust
We’re not sure what “J” stands for, but perhaps it is something like “Jesus save me! Beasts are feasting on my entrails while I am still alive! Am I cursed to the dark realm for all eternity?” Yes. Yes you are.

6. Erykah Badu – Hotline Bling But U Cain’t Use My Phone Mix

You know it’s a hit when Erykah comes out of the woodwork and throws it down in the remix ring. Where has Erykah been all these years? Erykah, please make more music before the lake of fire consumes us all.

7. Kehlani and Charlie Puth – Hotline Bling

Soothing piano replace club beats on this track, and layered on top is a gorgeous duet by Kehlani and Charlie Puth. The entire track is delightfully sparse in production. Except for the aforementioned piano and vocals there are no additional instruments on the track, save for hints of vocal chorus accompaniment during select moments. The sparsity in production has generated, without a trace of irony we might add, no shortage of remixes to this remix. Rumors are that the Devil himself is learning GarageBand and working on a remix set to be released in 2017 as a cross-promotion for his blood-letting and attempt at conquering the human realm. Twitter should totally got nuts when that drops.

Author: blackonthecanvas

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